ONCE AGAIN, FURTHER THOUGHTS SHARED WITH A FRIEND ON FACEBOOK:
Hello again, XXXXXX. Appreciate your input here.
You’re right, the choices are tough. When things unravel we’re left with options that aren’t all that pleasant, unfortunately. Too often in comes down to making moves that just minimize the fallout. And as you say…some of this ends up in the hands of the one (husband or wife) that is probably least able to see some of the more obvious things for what they are, which has to do with how things got all out of whack to begin with.
One of the dangers in the scenario that we’ve been discussing is that the one who seeks to “protect” the children, etc. may well be missing their own inner-brokenness; the very brokenness that led them to embrace such a relationship at the beginning. In cases like this, it would be all too easy to place all blame upon the “other” and miss (or be unwilling to accept) one’s own faults. Again, we are talking here about a particular situation—a typical one—where both spouses are living out an “identity crisis.” Of course there are exceptions to the ‘shoe fitting’ well upon the foot of either spouse.
Further, I am trying to keep in mind, as I think through all this, that, these are not troubles found in marriages only. As we can see, a scenario like this one has a way of readily spilling over into the lives of the children. They (like their parents) are struggling with a ‘first birth’ condition (identity crisis), on top of which the parents (perhaps one or both) have piled further trouble in the way they nurture the child. All of which, tends to result in the child-now-adult perpetuating many of the same responses they saw demonstrated by their parents.
So, now the child-now-adult ends up re-enacting the foolish ways of their parents, not realizing the root cause is not ultimately their parents but their very own ‘first birth’ condition (identity crisis).
Everyone involved in this scenario has missed this basic problem…identity problem. Everyone in this scenario ends up perpetuating this one problem, fleshing it out in this way or that.
We could go on and on here observing how THE problem applies to EVERY single relationship, not just marriage, and not just the parent-child one. Suffice to say, all too often we would rather hide our troubles than face them squarely, and then perhaps find ourselves in a position to really help whomever, without treating them like they were beneath us somehow, without acting like their Lord (master) or Savior (martyr).